Hawkguy
by footshooter
Summary: Just some musings on Clint, based on Age of Ultron and the Hawkeye(guy) comic series. Spoilers for probably all the Marvel films up to date, so don't read if you don't want to see any, and total cracky-AU as I try to re-write the universe into something that suits me a little better. T for swearing, probably nothing more sinister than that.
1. Chapter 1

**a/n:** _ **Hiya. After seeing**_ **Age of Ultron** ** _(yes, spoilers, don't read if you've not seen) and Jeremy Renner's_** **Tonight Show** ** _video (that's hilarious) after already becoming obsessed with the_** **Hawkguy** ** _version of Clint via playing as him on_** **Marvel Heroes** ** _and therefore being unhappy with his portrayal in the new film (genuinely nothing to do with Clintasha though coz I'm not a shipper, I'm afraid), I've not been able to get this idea out my head and I saw the film on the UK release day so that was like 23rd April so it's been plaguing my life out. So I thought I'd write it. Pure crack, I do love Clint so no disrespect intended to him, I just reallyl ike him being a tad useless. This introduction is poor English, so I hope the story's better. Hope anyone unhappy with the... relationship issues... in A:AoU gets a bit of joy from this. Thanks guys,  
_** - ** _fs_**

 ** _..._**

Clint sat down, heavily, on the sofa, and a plume of dust rose into the air, making his face scrunch up and causing him to sneeze, repeatedly. After a few coughs and splutters, he reached over for his beer through watering eyes and caught the eye of the dog sat wagging tail-trails in the dust coating of the wooden flooring.

"What?"

The dog panted, almost looking like he was smiling, and Clint thought to himself, well, at least someone still loved him.

Then, as the dog wiggled his nose, he remembered the pizza box to his side and sighed.

"Well come up if you're gonna," he snapped, patting his leg.

The dog jumped to its feet, wagging its tail, and leapt onto the sofa causing another eruption of dust.

They looked at each other and Clint sighed. The dog licked his nose, and then, in unison, they both sneezed.

Clint opened the pizza box and held a slice up for the dog.

"Hey, promise me you're not going to leave when the pizzas gone?"

The dog licked its lips, staring at the pizza slice.

"Ah, whatever. Here."

The dog took the pizza greedily, and then settled at his side as Clint turned on the TV.

So much for his 'perfect' life.


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n:** _ **I've realised these chapters are very, very,**_ **very** ** _short. Sorry. It's part of the charm, I hope. But probably won't be when I've got tiny chapters and no update for a month and a half. Sorry in advance._**

 ** _..._**

He met Kate a day later when he was stumbling to put the pizza boxes in the bin. In fact, he swung a bag of bottles against her leg and got a mouthful from her before she sighed and took a good look at him.

"Oh, god. Tell me you're not Barton?"  
"Huh?"  
"Coulson hasn't told you?"  
"Coulson doesn't tell anyone shit. Did he tell you when he told me he was alive?"  
"Um?"  
"Yeah, like, my phone rang and here's this voice from beyond the grave. 'Clint I don't have time to explain, I've set up a safehouse with another agent. Pretend you have a family. Nat's in on it, she's agreed.' And I'm like hold on, what the fuck and he's like 'oh, I have to go, my team are calling.' And now I'm stuck in a poxy flat covered in dust while the Avengers carry on without me and the ones who have somewhere to go go there because _we can't let the illusion drop, Clint_."

Kate stared at him for a minute.

"Well someones a little tetchy this morning. Something to do with what was in those bottles that just collided with my leg? I'm Kate Bishop. He's been trying to contact you all morning, but I said I'd just come along anyway."  
"I don't know where my phone is. I'm hoping the dog ate it. I don't want to speak to that lying bastard. Making me lie to my friends. _'Remember, Agent, this is for the best. Now you just sit and eat pizza while everyone_ -"

Kate patted him on the shoulder.

"How about we go up to your apartment and I make us some coffee and breakfast? I brought bacon."  
"You did?"  
"I've looked up to you through my training. I like to think I'm almost as good as you are with a bow and arrow."  
"You do?"  
"Yeah. I've been sent to give you a hand while the Avengers are pulling themselves back together. You're the only stable one left."  
"I am?"  
"Coffee and bacon?"

Clint sighed.

"Yeah, fine, whatever. Just don't complain about the dust."

Kate smiled and walked off with Clint following her, shaking his head.


	3. Chapter 3

Kate was frying bacon in a, frankly, unsafe kitchen while Clint attempted to brush dust from his furniture to the floor without coughing. The dog was betraying him though, spluttering in a corner.

"Will you shut up?" he hissed, as he threw open the curtains and got a facefull, then pushed his window open and tried to waft some dust out.

"Is that dog okay?" she asked, leaning through the partition into the living room and squinting through the haze caused by dust when the light hits it.  
"He's fine, he's just whining."  
"Do you have a hoover?"  
"Uh, maybe. I dunno. I've been away for a while. Saving the world. Which no one cares about."

Kate pouted.

"Ohh, it's all so unfair, huh?"  
"Damn right is it. _I_ could help train the new recruits. That new girl is hot."

Kate rolled her eyes.

"Maybe that's why you're not allowed. Saving the integrity of a grieving woman."  
"I wouldn't _do_ anything. I'm off the market now, apparently. Everyone knows I have a family."

Kate looked around.

"Do you?"  
"No!"

The dog had decided it liked the smells coming from the kitchen, and wandered in to sit beside Kate, wagging his tail. She smiled at him, watching Clint trying to clean up the dust with a dustpan and brush.

He managed to fill the dustpan, then realised he didn't have a bin, so threw it out of the open window.

"That's better. Hey, I thought I had a family with the Avengers, but Coulson's lying about shit, Fury's lying about shit, Nat is trying to _shag_ Banner. I mean, what the fuck? The Hulk? Why?"  
"Maybe she just really likes him?"  
"The Hulk though?"  
"Stop being jealous."  
"Uh, I'm not. I don't fancy her any more than I fancy anyone else."  
"Which means you do."  
"She's moping because she's failed to shag the Hulk and now she's crawling up Cap's arse while training a menagerie of witchcraft and Stark's made creations and I get to miss out on all the fun because I'm meant to be _with my family_. WHO DON'T EXIST!"

Kate rolled her eyes as she put the bacon into buns and then poured coffee into the two cleanest mugs she could find after cleaning them out.

"Well, you've got us."  
"Huh?"  
"Me and the dog. What's his name by the way?"  
"Pizza."

She glanced up, confused, and he shrugged.

"He really likes pizza."  
"O…kay. Well then we can be your replacement family."

She handed him a sandwich, and he accepted it.

"I don't even know who you are. This could be poison."  
"But you're eating it anyway?"

He shrugged again, and sat down on the sofa.

"Dusts mostly gone."  
"Out the window."  
"Feel free to sit down."

Kate sat down on the other end of the sofa, and the dog jumped up between them. They ate in awkward silence, with the only sound being Clint's phone buzzing somewhere.

"You gonna get that?"  
"Nope. Don't even know where it is."

Kate's phone rang, and she answered it.

"Yes, I'm with him. Coulson wants to talk to him."  
"Coulson can go fuck himself."  
"I don't think he wants to talk to you. Alright. I'll tell him. Bye."

Kate put the phone back in her pocket, and took a gulp of coffee.

"He said you need to grow up."  
"He needs to grow back alive. Motherfucker."  
"That doesn't actually make any sense."  
"Yeah. Well. Are you gonna tell me why you're here?"


	4. Chapter 4

Kate sighed, and sipped some more coffee while Clint stared at her through half narrowed eyes.

"Okay, well, I do archery too."  
"So?"  
"Coulson's been training me."  
"To replace me, right?"  
"No. Just to help. Sometimes you're off, or busy, or drunk. He felt you can be, ah…"  
"A liability?"  
"That too, but he didn't say it out loud. He sent me to see if you'd come for a meeting this afternoon."  
"No."  
"Clint-"  
"Don't ' _Clint'_ me, you don't even know me."

Kate sighed, and set her mug down.

"You know, you're kind of a disappointment. I've looked up to you for years and, now I've met you, all I see is an overgrown kid sulking at the world."

Clint stared at her, open-mouthed, and then sighed.

"Do you like Dog Cops?"  
"Uh…"  
"I have it all recorded. I'm not going to a meeting, but, I guess I could help you out. I mean, I've got nothing better to do since the new Avengers are training without me."

Kate was slightly thrown by the change in direction.

"Um, okay."


End file.
